DEFCON – for the parent
Everyone in the US should have a working knowledge of the concept of DEFCON. The DEFense CONdition used by the government to tell us how close we are/were to nuclear war. It was fairly simple, not like the homeland security’s condition magenta or whatever. DEFCON 5 was “We’re at peace and US interests all over the world are bowing and scraping to our mightiness”. DEFCON 1 was most clearly related by the Weird Al Yankovic song ‘Christmas at Ground Zero‘.
“Everywhere the atom bombs are dropping
It’s the end of all humanity
No more time for last-minute shopping
It’s time to face your final destiny”
However, there is a lesser know DEFCON. This level is critical to parents everywhere. The…
DiapEr Fill CONdition.
Let me explain what the settings are for my son, Xander. We use a reverse scale because, technically, there is no upper limit to the DiapEr Fill CONdition.
This level is generally limited to baby’s first few ‘real’ poopies. Not the stuff that happens right after birth, that’s stuff is just a virulent as anthrax on crystal meth. No, DEFCON 1 is for the cute little bits of kibble that don’t smell at all.
This level isn’t serious. Any normal human can handle this DEFCON level without training or gas masks. This level can indicate a ‘full’ diaper or a ‘kinda’ smelly diaper. Think about the first time your kid ate beanie weenies.
OK, now we’re starting to get serious. Cries of ‘Oh’ and ‘Gagh’ are heard during the changing process… especially late at night. We’re talking 10-15 wipes here. These generally occur while the child is beginning to eat ‘baby’ food.
This is the “Holy Crap, how did that much stuff come out of my tiny baby?” level. If a size one or two diaper is full of poop, then you’ve reached DEFCON 4. Parent’s with sensitive stomachs should not be involved in this process without an emergency barf bucket. A good trick is to only breathe through baby wipes… but make sure you breathe through fresh ones, not the ones you just used on the baby.
This is the highest level for ‘normal’ children. (And I’ll give a thousand dollars to the first person that can prove they have a normal child.)
At this point, people in the room begin to feel faint. If the dog refuses to sniff the baby, you may have a DEFCON 5. If there is an obvious bulge at the baby’s butt, it’s a DEFCON 5. After a D5, grandparents will send the child home and pointedly remind the parents that they’ve done their share already.
Advanced DEFCON Levels
Many children will hit one of these higher levels at some point.
This fills a diaper to dangerous levels. Don’t poke the diaper. You might consider using steel armor plate to change the baby on to protect the furniture. A bomb disposal truck comes in pretty useful.
The diaper reached max capacity 6 levels ago and the poo has flowed through every crack and crevice. You might have to wipe all the way to the baby’s shoulder blades at this point. Your neighbors have to move.
You are required to have a level 4 hazardous material chamber and several federal licenses to change the baby and dispose of the material. At this point, the garbage truck will pass up your trashcan because it ‘smells too bad’.
The town you live in evacuates and national guard troops are called in with full MOPP gear.
You actively consider throwing the baby out with the diaper and just making another baby.
The diaper I just changed.