My New Child’s First Story (which I will torture him with when he is 15)
My son (first and probably only child) was born December 29th 2006. I am fortunate to have a wife who has many younger siblings and much babysitting experience. Me? I can count the times I’ve held a baby on the fingers of one hand… if two fingers were cut off in a tragic Lego incident. However, for my son, I am willing to do the job.
While at the hospital, we handled the first SERIOUS poopie by ourselves and were quite proud. Lexie is breast-feeding so, we understand that number two will be as liquid as number 1 for quite a while and considerably less pleasant to look upon. Since I am a Biologist, I can also tell you that much of the first few days poopies will be a lovely shade of green, normally seen only in the movie “Aliens”. This is the amniotic fluid that the baby has swallowed while in the womb. However, knowing that doesn’t make the experience easier to deal with.
Anyway, he was letting us know he had a job to discuss with us. We got the soiled diaper off, butt cleaned, other bits cleaned, and new diaper on, when he decided to… ummm… continue… The only way I can describe this to you is A) if you have children or B) You live near a chemical refinery or sewage treatment plant.
He looked at me with the sweetest little laugh, then screwed up his face, concentrated and… well… he… extruded more material. I quickly ran to the bathroom, retrieved soil absorbing material and caught round 2. (BTW: That’s foreshadowing to encourage your belief that there may be rounds 3 and on coming.)
Again, we get the diaper under his little butt and he screws up his face in that pose that every parent fears… and here comes round three… and four… and five.
I managed to successfully intercept each one and keep him, the bed, and us mostly clean. Future dads’ note: Your wife has just done a shitload of work, it’s time for you to take a shot for her.
Anyway, he was finally empty and we were finally clean and thus began his second 24 hours of life.
To quote a sort of ancient, sort of Chinese proverb… “Move faster Grasshopper”.