Good Luck Texas TAKS Students

I have several blog items relating to the Science TAKS test.

GOOD LUCK!!!!

Physics Units (TAKS Science)

By special request…

Math Check

First a quick math check:

5 divided by 5 = ?

1 – correct

248423/248423 = ?

1 – correct

meters / meters = ?

meters? WRONG!!!!

it equals 1.  The units go away.

Remember this always.

Anything you do to numbers, you also do to units.

Units can be multiplied, divided, squared, etc.  Everything!!!  I cannot stress this enough.

The Units

First you need to know the basic units of the metric system.  More here Actually, you only need to know 3 of them for physics and another for chemistry.  A fourth is required, but only rarely.  (Headings link to the wiki article, but don’t go there unless you really really want to… you’ve been warned… on the other hand, learning can be fun.)

The physics units you need:

Mass – kilogram

Length – meter

Time – second

That’s it.  Now for the fun stuff.  We combine them.

Velocity – Let’s say you go 5 meters in 1 second.  That 5 meters per second or 5m/s.  Velocity (well, speed, add a direction to be velocity).  What if you go 5 meters in 2 seconds?  Well, you put 5 meters over 2 seconds and simplify.  5 meters / 2 seconds = 2.5 m/s

Easy right?

Acceleration – Let’s say your velocity is changing.  You hit the gas in the car.  Your velocity increases by 2 meters per second (2m/s) every second.  So at the end of the 1st second, you’re going 2m/s.  At the end of the next second, you’re going 4m/s.  Follow?

Basically, you’re changing the distance you go each second.  You can find this by taking the final speed subtracting the initial speed and dividing by how long you accelerated.   If you start at zero, things are easy.  Let’s say you start from rest and take 6 seconds to accelerate to 24 m/s.  So your formula is:

(24m/s – 0m/s) / 6 seconds = 4 m/s^2

In math, since you’re divinding by seconds twice, you square it.  So you’re acceleration is 4 meters per second squared or 4 m/s^2

Still basic right… now things get fun

Force

Let’s say that you have to accelerate a block that masses 2 kilograms to 15 m/s and you have 3 seconds to do so.  You must apply a force to the object to make it change.  How much force you ask?  That’s a good question, let’s find out.

First, let’s find out how fast we must accelerate the object (see above).  (15 m/s – 0m/s) / 3 seconds = 5m/s^2.

So we have to accelerate it by 5 meters per second squared for 3 seconds to get the object to 15m/s.  Now, if we multiply the acceleration by the mass (trust me here).  5m/s^2 * 2kg = 10 kgm/s^2

What the heck is that you ask?  kgm/s^2.  That is one kilogram meter per second squared.  It’s a measure of the force you apply to an object.  A force of 1 kgm/s^2 will accelerate a 1 kilogram object to 1 m/s in 1 second.  Still with me?

This unit has a special name since ‘kilogram meter per second squared’ is long.  It’s called a Newton.  1N is 1kgm/s^2.

That’s what we mean when we say derive the unit.  If you see Newton, you can replace it with kgm/s^2.  That way, you can do math on Newtons.

Work

Work is the amount of energy transferred by a force.  Work is always energy.  It can be mechanical (push, pull) or thermal (heat) or electricity.  The actual derivation is a little beyond IPC, but we can say this:

Work is the amount of energy gained by an object as force is applied to the object over a distance.  So if we apply the 10 Newton force (above) to the object over a distance of 10 meters… 2kgm/s^2 * 10m = 20 kgm^2/s^2.  Wow? What does that mean?

First let’s simplify it a bit.  Instead of kgm/s^2, let’s replace all that with N.  So 20Nm.  20 Newton meters.  This is a measure of the this distance an object moved by the force applied to it.  Further on, you will learn that this changed the energy of the object.  We added energy, so a Newton meter is a measure of energy.

Newton meter is still pretty long, so we call this a Joule.  A joule is a Newton meter or a kilogram meter^2 per second ^2.   See how all these begin to look familier?

Power

Next we have power.  Power is how long it takes us to transfer a certain amount of energy.  Let’s say the lead linebacker for the football team and the head of the chess club both have to lift 200 kilograms.  Which one will lift it faster (you may be surprised)?  The one that lifts faster has more power.  Makes sense right?

Power is measured in Joules/second.  That is energy delivered per second.  This Joule per second has a special name too… you know this one.  It’s called a Watt.  Yep, like the light bulbs.

Consider if you have a short lunch break and need to heat your frozen dinner.  Would you rather use a 200W microwave or a 1000W microwave.  The 1000 Watt microwave has way more power, so use that one.

Potential and Kinetic Energy

Last, but not least… these are forms of energy, so what units do we use?  Yes, Joules… or kgm^2/s^2.

Now, you know everything you need to know.  Remember, if you can do it to numbers, then you can do it to units.

If you apply 15 Watts of power for 20 seconds, how much energy have you used?

15 W = 15 J/s

15 J/s * 20s = 300J

the seconds cancel out here because one is on top and one is on bottom.

OK, if you apply the 300 Joules to an object over a distance of 10 meters?  Then how much force was applied?

300 J = 300 kgm^2/s^2

300 kgm^2/s^2 / 10m = 30 kgm/s^2 = 30N

The meters divide out here.  How did I know to multiple in the first example and divide in this one?  Because the units told me to.  I was going from Joules to Newtons (energy to force).  The only way to get there is to divide by a distance in meters.  THIS IS THE TRICK. By knowing where the units are, you can get the right answer, even if you don’t know the formulas!!!!

You apply 30N of force to object that masses 2 kilos .  What was the acceleration of the object?

30N = 30kgm/s^2

30kgm/s^2 / 2 kg = 15 m/s^2

Again, kilograms on top, so I had to divide by kilograms.  kilos/kilos = 1

If you accelerate an object at 15m/s^2 for 10 seconds.  What is the final speed?

15m/s^2 * 10s = 150m/s

I’ll stop there, you can figure out the rest.

I hope that helps.

New Car

So the Austin area experienced a pretty major hail storm about 3 weeks ago.  Only my car was damaged so we were at the end of the line for insurance adjustment.

Anyway, I have 1996 Mustang convertible.  5-speed thank you. Unfortunately, the soft-top has a hole in the canvas thanks to the hail storm, not to mention a variety of contusions and dings.  Last Friday, when it rained so much, I got a shower every time I turned a corner because the top had filled with water and would slosh out onto me.

So I take to my insurance carrier and they look at it.   They call around because replacement of a top is not a normal thing.  They call me over and to repair the car will take more money than the car is worth, so they total it.  Now, I get a new car.  It will be the first new car I’ve ever bought (my wife’s Santa Fe doesn’t count, it’s hers).

Now for the restrictions:

I want: fun, power, a decent stereo, a quiet ride, a good handling car

My wife wants: 4 doors, a decent stereo, room for everyone for a medium to long trip, comfort

So, pending a test drive, I’ve settled on the Mazda 6.

Pretty huh?  272 horse V-6 with a 6-speed auto.  I know, it’s not a mustang, but I looked and my mustang only had a 150 horse V6.  Oooh… now you have my attention.

Lots of legroom, front and back, large trunk, MP3 player jack.  I can’t wait to go drive it.

The Matrix: Why Neo isn’t “The One”

The whole point of The Matrix Trilogy is Neo is ‘The One’ destined to save mankind from the machines.  I recently got the Matrix Trilogy and Animatrix and realized that Neo isn’t the one that could control the matrix.  He was good in the matrix, but he still followed the physical laws of the matrix.

1) Fighting – if he could remake the matrix as he saw fit, why fight?  Why not just remake the bad guy into a roach and step on him?  Oh, he’s got free-will too (sort of, I guess) and can resist Neo’s abilities.  OK, then, why not make a 20,000 lbs anvil over his head… ah la Wile E. Coyote (super-genius).

2) Superman Flight – why?  Dude, ever heard of teleportation?  Even electrons travel at the speed of light (or near enough through a CPU, and don’t you think the matrix mainframe is running something a little hotter than Intel’s quads) so something a little quicker might be in order?

3) Guns (attacking) – increase the mass of the bullet say 5000 times just as it impacts the target.  Heh, skip that and just increase the inertia.  If you’re gonna use a gun and can remake the matrix as you see fit, then why not use a handheld 50 terrawatt gamma ray laser?

4) Guns (defending) – wouldn’t it be easier to just cause gunpowder’s rate of chemical reaction to slow down within say 1000 yards?  Or even cause metal fatigue in the firing pins?

5) Trinity – yeah, Moss is OK looking, but if you’re Neo couldn’t you make her look like (insert favorite super-model here)?

6) Agent Smith – why fight him?  Just force hime to type out his moves on a virtual keypad connected to the matrix supercomputer at 600 baud.

Iran can now destroy the United States

http://www.newsdaily.com/stories/tre5120nn-us-iran-satellite/

OK, let’s consider.

1. Iran can put a homemade satellite into space on a homemade launcher.
2. Iran may have nukes.
3. The DEFENSE minister says that they are communicating with the satellite.
4. “Iran is “very powerful and you have to deal with us in the right way,” an Iranian political analyst said.”
5. “saying it [Obama's Administration]  must change policy not just tactics toward Tehran and apologize for past “crimes” against Iran.”
6. Finally, look up FOBS

An orbital EMP could devastate our country.

I’m actually pretty concerned about this.  A country that has a history of terrorism, sponsoring terrorism, and hating America like a 3 year old hates asparagus.  This is probably the most frightening thing I’ve read in a long time.

Poker Haiku

A crowded room

Delicate plastic clicks

A full house

This is the best Haiku I’ve ever written.  I love the double meanings.

Life Changes After the Sushi Bar

I wrote this after the local sushi bar closed down.  Of course, KLM is involved.  This one is actually finished.  It’s short.

If you don’t know what KLM is, that’s OK.  This is the first KLM story, I’ve blogged.  It is not the first one written however.  This is sort of an introduction to KLM from the outside.  Other stories are written from the inside.  Enjoy.

Life Changes in a Sushi Bar

The rain was thick as mud that fateful morning…
Don’t you just love the dramatic entrance.  It is a bit of dramatic license on my part.  It was raining, but only lightly.  The kind of rain that doens’t bother you if you can run to the bus stop quickly enough.  Otherwise, it’ll soak you through.  This kind of rain generally doesn’t let up for a few days.  Instead of the black sky most people think of when they hear ‘rain’, it was a light gray.  Locals know that when you can see the first hint of the sun, the rain will stop in a few hours.
That was a long time away, though.  I was sitting at the bus stop with a fine layer of water droplets on my bright blue windbreaker jacket.  No one else was waiting, which suited me fine.  It was ten AM and I was just heading to work.  Fortunately, I work at restuarant and don’t have to be at work until ten thirty.
For some reason, rain makes me nostalgic and I think way too much.  The bus carried me to work and I looked out the window at the east side of Houston.  This area is alternately known as the artists’ quarter, the gay side, and the pit, depending on who you ask and what time of day it is.  Contrary to the belief of most people in the ‘better’ parts of Houston, not everyone here is gay, I’m proof of that, and this is not a depressed area of town.  Another brand new art store just opened up and if you know how much art supplies are, then you realize that this area is not depressed at all.  It just… has character.
In fact, some of my favorite customers are artists, they generally come in during the slack times and are fun to talk to.  You can tell which ones just sold some work by looking at what they order and the size of tip they leave.

I work at Taste of Japan on Westheimer in Houston.  We just moved to a place across the street from a witch supply store.  It’s a brand new building and I consider myself lucky to work there.  With the mass die offs of fish and poisoned sea water, it’s hard to be a sushi chef.  Sure, you and I know sushi is really vinegar rice, but to most Americans, sushi equals raw fish.  Like I said, I’m lucky to work where I do, the owners are painfully rich.  They just have the sushi place cause they like to eat there.  They fly in a lot of the fish from way out of country (Japan has really gone into the environmental age and is protecting large areas of the ocean just for fish farming).  They are also involved in some experimental salt-water fish farms in West Texas.  Believe it or not, some of the best tuna I’ve ever had comes from the farm.  The fish tend to be small, but very tasty.
I once saw the Japanese ocean farms.  I was doing my apprenticeship in Japan and got to got out with my Sensei to the farm.  Master Yokohiro is a very popular man and being given an invitation to the ocean farm is a big deal.  There are these central towers that float.  They stick up about 100 meters from the ocean surface and go down to over 600 meters.  Some of the new ones go even deeper.  They’re really big.
Anyway, there’s a ring around the pole that can be up to several kilometers in diameter.  The top of the pole supports the ring and a special kind of net is suspended from the ring and goes down to the bottom of the pole.  It forms a bowl with lots of seawater in it.  The material is supposed to allow water and oxygen through, but filters out all the nasty chemicals.  The farmers have to manually add salt to keep the seawater right, but they do a good job.  They can raise big schools with no danger from poisons.  Some of the farms even raise sharks right in with the other fish.
The pole houses all the farmers, a lot of scientists, and processing facilities.  There are even artificial reefs mounted to the pole and they extend out some distance into the ‘lake’.
Anyway, this kind of brain function takes my mind off the bus ride.  I get amazingly car sick, but I wasn’t sick on the ocean that one time.  Weird.
The bus lets me off less than a block from the restuarant.  It’s a beautiful shade of light blue.  Not a neon blue that so many places are going to, but a nice soft sky blue.  Not that the sky is blue in Houston.
Sara always lets me in the front door.  I have a key, but she’s always early.  I think she just liked to feed the coy in the big fish tank on the right hand wall of the main dining room.  The sushi bar was separated from the main dining room by the kitchen, bathrooms, and checkout counter.  Sushi is best when no cooked smells get in the way.
I told her good morning.  She replied with her usual, “Konichiwa.”  She insists on speaking in Japanese to me.  I appreciate that, though it isn’t necessary.  I don’t feel out of place as the only person of Japanese descent in the place.  In fact, I was born in Beaumont, about 90 miles to the east of Houston.  But both my parents were natives of Japan.
“Has the truck arrived yet?” I asked.
“Hai.”  She strung out the last sound too long.  I was running late or the truck was running early.  So I put my coat on and went to the back.
I spent the next twenty minutes selecting fillets for the day.  I had to force myself (as I do every morning) to pick some of the fish that I don’t like and make sure they were good cuts.  The owners had made arrangements to be the first of the restaurants visited each day, so we always got the best fillets.  Again, contrary to popular belief, the fish are not delivered live and I don’t spend my mornings slaying fish.  In fact, I’ve never cleaned a fish before in my life.  I know how, but I’ve never practiced.
With about 40 minutes to opening, I began the first of many pots of rice that would be made that day.  With less than ten minutes to go, I got the first filets in the refrigerated viewing cabinet in the bar.  The seaweed was ready (another gift of the Japanese Ocean Farms) and the rice was resting.
We don’t really have a set time to open.  Whenever everything is ready (or nearly so) Sara unlocks the doors.  We’re not like some restaurants that have a full floor of customers waiting in line.  Sometimes we don’t get anyone for a while.
Someone was waiting though.  Mr. Grant came in as soon as Sara could get the door wide enough to admit his ample belly.
“Good morning, Daniel-san,” he rumbled.  He always sounds like an avalanche to me.
“Gofu tomaku,” I said.
“Beautiful, what does it mean?”
“The afternoon brightens with your presence, roughly translated.”  Of course it meant nothing of the sort.  As far as I knew it was gibberish, but it made the big man feel better.  When Mr. Grant comes in, it’s going to be a long day.
He hefted himself into a stool and started ordering.  He can order more at once than most people eat in a few hours.  I started to work.  Fortunately, once he gets started eating he doesn’t talk much.  On the other hand, not many people like to sit at the bar when he does.  I wonder if they’re afraid of getting sucked up.  I smothered a laugh and started on his order.
Soon afterward, four men in business suits came in and moved to the back corner table.  That was fine with me, normally I don’t want to know.  Other people moved in and out and the day moved quickly for a Tuesday.  It was also payday so I expected to see the owners come in at some point.
I was not disappointed.  Kevin came in about six.  He was alone, which is unusual.  Mr. Grant was just paying his considerable bill so Kevin sat at the now vacant bar.
“Has it been a good day?”
“Yes sir,” I replied.  “Mr Grant ate all of the hamaki, but other than that things are going well.”
“How’s the whitefish?”
“Pretty good, but the tuna is really good today.”
“How about a spicy tuna roll and some whitefish nigri.”
I got to work.  It’s always nice to have an audience, even if it is your boss.  It didn’t take me long, those are relatively simple items.  When I handed him his order, he motioned to the suits in the back.
“How long have they been here?”  He sounded mildly upset about something.
“They came in right after Mr. Grant, about noon.  They’ve been ordering fairly constantly, so I didn’t say anything.”
“That’s fine.  Where’s Sara?”
“In the back.”
“Would you get her please?”
“Hai.”
I went to the back and told Sara the boss wanted to see us.  She looked kinda scared so I asked what was wrong.  She said that there were four guys in suits behind the building, just standing around.  She also said that they hadn’t been there an hour ago when she took the trash out.
I said, “Come on,” and went to the front.
The door from the kitchen opens directly into the bar, so that’s where we were standing.  Kevin was standing in an obvious fighting posture.  Three of the men had him surrounded and the fourth was standing back with his hand in his coat.
The man in back was saying something about ‘notorious criminal’ and ’surrender’.  Kevin was muttering under his breath.  I couldn’t hear a word, but he seemed intent on it.  Sara was a frozen mass behind me.  I could feel her fear.  I glanced down real quick and saw a knife in my hand.  It was one of my best fillet knifes.  It had been custom made by Master Yokohiro’s smith.  It had only cost about nine hundred dollars.  I was still paying it off.  It felt comfortable to be holding it.
Kevin told them to back off.  “It’s not your fight gentlemen,” he said.  I thought it was strange, which is why I remember it.
The men responded by moving in closer.  Then Kevin moved.  I don’t know how to describe it.  I’ve taken some karate classes, but nobody I’ve ever seen, except in the movies, ever moved like that.  He was a blur, then he was behind one guy with the guy’s arm held up at a forty-five degree angle behind him.  It must have really hurt.  Kevin dropped down and the guy went flying into another of the three men.  I glanced over to the guy in back and he was pulling out a gun.
I don’t remember throwing the knife.  The next thing I really remember is Kevin, Sara and I running down the street and him handing my knife back to me.
“You shouldn’t leave important things behind,” he said.  Now I was getting scared.  The running wasn’t bad.  It was clearing my head, but Sara was having trouble keeping up.  She’s not fat or even chubby, but she doesn’t exercise much.  It’s that engineer mentality.  I guess now is the wrong time to mention that she’s an engineering student at the University of Houston.  She’s not bad looking in fact.  I never really noticed it until we were running down the street together.
Kevin made a sharp turn into an alley and I almost didn’t notice.  I heard cars honking and tires squealing.  Kevin was still talking under his breath as he ran, but I could hear the words now.
“… on Missouri street.  Yea, I know you can’t get shot down.  That’ll work, give us a block, we’re getting tired.”
I didn’t pretend to understand.  I didn’t even have the energy to figure it out.  I was all but dragging Sara.  What was really weird was that no one  even noticed us.  There were some people out, but they didn’t even look our way.  An oriental with a bloody knife dragging a blond down the street and no one cares, not in Houston.
A flash of light appeared ahead of us and a roar.  It sounded like rockets, which, in retrospect, it was.  A large metal sphere crashed into the cement road just ahead of us.  Kevin pulled us behind some brush and stopped.  We were breathing heavy and Sara looked about ready to throw up.
I’ve always wondered what a war really sounded like.  I mean, did the guys in the movies get it right?  I only ask because I consider myself a realist.  I don’t go in for the modern art scene and stuff like that.  The more real something is, the more I respect the creator.  I may never watch another war movie again, because now I know.
At the time I was very afraid.  Sara was too, I was more worried for her.  The fear was bad, but I could handle that.  She wasn’t ready for it.  I don’t consider myself a brave man, but being a realist does have its advantages, I know I’m going to die sometime and while I would prefer it not be anytime soon, I can accept it.  She couldn’t, she wasn’t ready for what was going on, not that I was, but I was more philosophically prepared.
I looked to Kevin for help.  He merely sat, crouched down, looking through the bushes into the street.  He had a half smile on his face.  It wasn’t a pleasant expression.  I think it scared me more than the running and the other stuff.
There was a soft sound of metal moving from the street.  Then the squeal of car tires and brakes.  Then the explosions began.  Sara cringed and grabbed onto me.  I was seriously looking for a deep hole to hind in.
After a few minutes, he nodded and said, “All clear.”  Suddenly, there wasn’t any fear or stress or adrenaline.  I felt totally drained of energy.  He stood up and walked out into the street.  I followed carefully with Sara right beside me.  Her eyes were wide with fear.  I wasn’t too stable myself.
The first thing I saw was the metal dinosaur in the street.  I don’t remember the name for it, but it was the one with three horns on its head.  It wasn’t that big, about halfway between the size of a horse and a big dog.  I thought those dinosaurs were much bigger.
It wasn’t a real one, of course.  It was definitely metal and there was a cannon or something in the middle of the back.  Instead of sitting on the thing’s back, it was like the back of the creature had been cut out and the gun put in the cut-out.  The barrel of the gun was glowing softly.
I smelled smoke drifting on the breeze.  I looked down the street where two large cars were burning brightly.  I couldn’t feel the heat until I saw the flames.
The machine was moving almost nervously.  I would have said it was pumped up, if it had been real.  At least a real dinosaur and not a miniature, metal creature.  Its large, triangular head moved around, bobbing left and right.  Occasionally, it would lower its head to sniff at the ground.  It kept crouching, well not quite because it would stop in mid-crouch and move back to standing straight.
The creature made me very nervous.  I’d never heard of anything like this before and I watch the discovery channel a lot.  It was a gorgeous machine, but it was obviously a machine, but it didn’t act like a machine.  I was getting confused.
“What is that?” Sara asked.
“Dinobot,” Kevin replied.  “He’ll come with us.”
“Can I ask, what just happened?” I said.
“Yea, you two got caught in the crossfire between KLM Enterprises and the Federal Government.  They want me and the rest of KLM dead or out of business, but they can’t do it.  They’ve been trying for a long time now.  That’s the long term.
“The short term is that, we got chased.  A buddy of mine couldn’t get close enough to help out, but he did have a dinobot handy, which he dropped in the street.  It woke up and mayhem ensued.  Fortunately, they are fairly intelligent.”
The dinobot grunted and started stomping away.  Its metal skin glistened in the sunlight splattering through the trees.  I could almost see muscles rippling under its skin.  It looked tough.  Fortunately, we were heading away from the burning cars.
“We’ll need to find an open spot where Chrome can pick us up.  I’m afraid that you’ll have to come with me, so you’ll be safe.”
“What do you mean, safe?” I asked.  “We just work in your restaurant.  How can that not be safe?”
“I’m sorry guys.  It’s like this…”
Kevin spun this amazing tale of almost high adventure.  Heroic people fighting against incredible odds to overcome the power of belief and the strictures of nature.  In the end, he almost went to far with his story.  It seemed to be the purest of fantasy.  No one could do what he described.  No country could do what he described, yet over it all hung the shimmering shroud of truth.
It seemed that he had lifted a curtain that I hadn’t even known existed.  The one fact that punched through my disbelief was that great metal beast treading before us.  Every word Kevin spoke bounced from the armored flank right into my brain.  There was no suspension of disbelief, there was no disbelief period.  Not in the face of that monster.
“So what happens to us?” Sara asked.  She sounded stronger.  I guess the story pumped her up a bit.
“Well, you can join KLM and work with us in the Arcology or we can drop you off wherever you want.  Because this is all my fault, I’ll make sure that you don’t hurt for money, but I won’t be able to protect you from the government.  You should be safe…”
“Well that’s just great,” I said.  “My life is down the tubes.  I’ve lost all but one of my knifes.  I’m not an engineer or scientist, so what am I supposed to do.”
“Well, you could open your own restaurant.  Did I mention that KLM has a signing bonus of ten thousand dollars.  I’m sure we could arrange a loan for the rest.”
I suddenly stopped in the road, my mind whirling.  My own restaurant.  I couldn’t have imagined the possibility yesterday or even this morning.  I was content as a chef with my work and my customers.  Now though, and here my mood changed, I was being given money, to buy off my anger at what happened to me today.
Now I was really mad.  I wasn’t some pawn in the great game to be used and bought off.  How dare he?
“Do I get the signing bonus too?”
That stopped my rant.  Was she going to sell out?
“Of course,” he said.
“Then we could open a restaurant together,” Sara said grabbing my arm.
I looked at her.  She was about my height.  She had copper colored eyes.  I noticed that for the first time.  OK, now I was confused.  What was she saying?  Why wasn’t I mad anymore?
I don’t know how long we stood in the street.  Me looking at Sara, her looking at me with those copper eyes.  I’m not sure what Kevin was looking at, but I am sure he was amused.  I could feel it. I’m also not sure what the dinobot was looking at, but it stopped.  The whole world stopped.
“OK,” I heard myself say, “we’ll open one together.”  Now what is this all about, I asked myself.  My reply was, Shut up!
Two days later, we had settled into the Arcology, a glorious structure that deserves a book of its own, and had gotten together with an Arc-itect.  An Arc-itect, if you haven’t guessed, specializes in designing spaces in the Arcology.  He had a nice design laid out, but it’s a little too big.
The curtain continues to lift showing the truth in more digestible chunks than that first one.  Life in the Arcology isn’t too bad.  I’ve heard a lot of stories from some of my customers, but I like my nice simple life.  Sara and I will be getting married soon.  I never saw it coming, apparently she’d known even before that day in Houston.  Women are like that.

DEFCON – for the parent

Everyone in the US should have a working knowledge of the concept of DEFCON.  The DEFense CONdition used by the government to tell us how close we are/were to nuclear war.  It was fairly simple, not like the homeland security’s condition magenta or whatever.  DEFCON 5 was “We’re at peace and US interests all over the world are bowing and scraping to our mightiness”.  DEFCON 1 was most clearly related by the Weird Al Yankovic song ‘Christmas at Ground Zero‘.

“Everywhere the atom bombs are dropping
It’s the end of all humanity
No more time for last-minute shopping
It’s time to face your final destiny”

However, there is a lesser know DEFCON.  This level is critical to parents everywhere.  The…

DiapEr Fill CONdition.

Let me explain what the settings are for my son, Xander.  We use a reverse scale because, technically, there is no upper limit to the DiapEr Fill CONdition.

DEFCON 1:

This level is generally limited to baby’s first few ‘real’ poopies.  Not the stuff that happens right after birth, that’s stuff is just a virulent as anthrax on crystal meth.  No, DEFCON 1 is for the cute little bits of kibble that don’t smell at all.

DEFCON2:

This level isn’t serious.  Any normal human can handle this DEFCON level without training or gas masks.  This level can indicate a ‘full’ diaper or a ‘kinda’ smelly diaper.  Think about the first time your kid ate beanie weenies.

DEFCON 3:

OK, now we’re starting to get serious.  Cries of ‘Oh’ and ‘Gagh’ are heard during the changing process… especially late at night.  We’re talking 10-15 wipes here.  These generally occur while the child is beginning to eat ‘baby’ food.

DEFCON 4:

This is the “Holy Crap, how did that much stuff come out of my tiny baby?” level.  If a size one or two diaper is full of poop, then you’ve reached DEFCON 4.  Parent’s with sensitive stomachs should not be involved in this process without an emergency barf bucket.  A good trick is to only breathe through baby wipes… but make sure you breathe through fresh ones, not the ones you just used on the baby.

DEFCON 5:

This is the highest level for ‘normal’ children.  (And I’ll give a thousand dollars to the first person that can prove they have a normal child.)

At this point, people in the room begin to feel faint.  If the dog refuses to sniff the baby, you may have a DEFCON 5.  If there is an obvious bulge at the baby’s butt, it’s a DEFCON 5.  After a D5, grandparents will send the child home and pointedly remind the parents that they’ve done their share already.

Advanced DEFCON Levels

Many children will hit one of these higher levels at some point.

DEFCON 10:

This fills a diaper to dangerous levels.  Don’t poke the diaper. You might consider using steel armor plate to change the baby on to protect the furniture.  A bomb disposal truck comes in pretty useful.

DEFCON 17:

The diaper reached max capacity 6 levels ago and the poo has flowed through every crack and crevice.  You might have to wipe all the way to the baby’s shoulder blades at this point.  Your neighbors have to move.

DEFCON 26:

You are required to have a level 4 hazardous material chamber and several federal licenses to change the baby and dispose of the material.  At this point, the garbage truck will pass up your trashcan because it ’smells too bad’.

DECFON 30:

The town you live in evacuates and national guard troops are called in with full MOPP gear.

DEFCON 32:

You actively consider throwing the baby out with the diaper and just making another baby.

DEFCON 49:

The diaper I just changed.

Advanced Patrol Boat – A new idea for the navy

I am beginning he process of releasing most of my ideas to the general public.  I’ll never be in a position to make use of them, maybe someone can.  All I ask is that you give me some credit and, I expect a small royalty if you make any money off of it.  Thank you.

Kevin McCarthy

APB (Advanced Patrol Boat)

It is possible to combine many naval roles into a small boat that is cheaper, more maneuverable, and more efficient than a larger naval vessel. While many long distance and long duration events must be handled by a large ship, many missions can be broken down into a series of smaller, short range, short duration events that can be handled more effectively by smaller vessels. This is especially true considering how the nature of warfare and navy roles have changed since World War II.

World War II Torpedo Boats (the famous PT boats) were, pound for pound, some of the most heavily armed vessels ever built. In addition to torpedoes, 25mm cannons, and heavy machine guns, crews would install light artillery pieces. All of these items were off-the-shelf (in some cases, off-the-tank) components that were attached to a fresh hull and sent into battle.

The Advanced Patrol Boat uses many off-the-shelf components to increase efficiency and decrease cost. The APB is also mission configurable. One boat can easily be altered to fulfill a large variety of roles based on mission modules. Instead of having a dedicated Special Forces boat and a dedicated ASW platform and a dedicated surface attack platform, one APB can be used in all of these roles, in most cases within a few hours of each other.

The APB is based on the already in production MkV Special Operations Craft hull. Changes to the base hull to allow for various mission modules and increase the number of roles of the craft while retaining the cost effectiveness of the hull. The hull would remain air and highway transportable.

Changes to the basic hull are confined to the following:

1) redesign of the rear 20 feet of the hull to allow for large modules

2) redesign of the superstructure to allow for small modules to be fitted behind the cockpit/bridge area.

3) Addition of 4 hard points on the hull

The rear mounted large module bay is specifically designed for systems that need access to water (dipping sonar, Special Forces boat launchers), could induce a shock to the boat (Harpoon launchers), or need a large area (cargo/fuel). The small module bay would be mounted behind the bridge and contain smaller, units that need 360 degree access (cannon, AA weapons). The four hardpoints allow additional weapons or support systems to be used without taking up valuable deck or interior space.

An additional change would massively increase the effectiveness of the entire system. Altering a landing ship (San Antonio class for example) to store and launch these vessels would turn them from a coastal patrol boat to a blue water mini-ship. The landing ship would become a carrier vessel.

The base APB would retain the physical characteristics and specifications of the MkV SOC. Approximately 90ft long with a 18 ft beam. Twin diesel power waterjets provide a cruise speed of about 30 knots and a top speed approaching 45 knots and a maximum range of about 500 nautical miles.

Mission modules would be totally modular and changeable in a minimum amount of time with a crane and the boat crew. Module packages would be available to change the role of the patrol boat to any of the following: ASW, AA, Surface Attack, Special Forces Support, Transport, Close Assault and Boarding (anti-pirate), even a refueling package to support longer duration missions of other boats in the squadron. Specific packages and options as follows.

Harpoon Module – this module fits in the large bay and contains two 4-rack harpoon anti-ship missiles. The missiles can take fire direction from another vessel or the long-range radar module. No new equipment would be required for this module.

Dipping Sonar – this module uses a helicopter dipping sonar on a movable A-frame mount and fits in the large bay. Depending on the final size and mass of the sonar and equipment, a small number of sonobouys may be included with this module.

Boat Launching System – this retains the basic function of the MkV SOC. Offering space for the launch and support system for SEAL small insertion craft.

Cargo Rack – this fits in the large bay and simply turns the boat into a high-speed, light cargo vessel. An optional fuel bladder and refueling system allows for during mission refueling of other APBs. An additional modification would allow for the carrying of a single hummer, which could be landed close ashore in many conditions.

Torpedo Tubes – 4 externally mounted torpedoes can be fitted to the hull hardpoints. These may be dedicated ASW or anti-ship torps.

Depth Charges – depth charges may be mounted on the four hardpoints in a specially designed launcher. 2-3 charges may be on each hardpoint for up to 12 depth charges.

Sonobuoys – the 4 hardpoints may contain sonobuoy launchers. Each hardpoint could hold 10-15 sonobuoys in a revolving drum launcher for a total of 40-60 sonobuoys.

Drop Tanks – each hardpoint can be fitted with a 350 gallon fuel tank for an additional 1400 gallons of fuel. The range of the vessel at cruise would increase from 550nm to over 800 nm.

Radar Balloon – the small bay can be fitted with a radar balloon system. A radar is attached to a heavy balloon and a large winch can extend and pull in the system. Included in the module are the helium containers.

Naval M242 – the naval version of the bushmaster 25mm cannon with variable AP and HE shells.

AA Missiles – a naval AA missile such as a naval version of the stinger-based Avenger mount or the UK Starstreak. This will need to be a light, short range weapon, but capable of anti-cruise missile fire as well as anti-aircraft and anti-helicopter.

Crane – a light hydraulic crane for cargo transfer.

Ideally, much like current MkV SOC, these vessels would operate in pairs. Several obvious configurations present themselves.

ASW Team – two vessels, one with a dipping sonar and torpedoes/charges/sonobuoys and the other with the large bay fuel storage system and torpedoes/charges/sonobuoys. If the pair is operating under aircover, then the small bay can be left empty for additional fuel economy. Alternately one vessel can carry a light anti-air system while the other carries the M242.

Anti-Surface Team – both vessels would be equipped with harpoon racks in the large bay, one unit would have the radar balloon in the small bay while the other would have light anti-air. Hull hardpoints can be left empty or equipped with fuel tanks for extended attack range and speed. Alternately, torpedoes could be added for close range anti-ship work.

Special Ops/CAB Team – both vessels would be equipped with boat launchers in the large bay and M242 cannons in the small bay. No hardpoints would be used to increase speed, range, and survivability if attacked.

These are just basic configurations. The combinations are large and would be determined on an as needed basis.

Each bay and hardpoint will have standard power/data hookups so that any equipment installed will have sufficient power and command and control. Ammunition for all weapons will be on-board the mount rather than the boat to simplify the supply situation. This does limit available ammunition, but improves operational efficiency as a whole.

An amphibious assault ship, with minor modifications, could act as a patrol boat carrier, holding many of the APBs. Since each boat is about the same length, but half the width of a LCAC, a ship that can carry 4 LCACs can carry eight APBs with no modifications. By removing vehicle storage and some marine quarters, the ship could carry more APBs. While this would reduce the ship’s role as an amphibious landing ship, it would increase the ship’s abilities in other areas tremendously. The boat carrier would have extensive anti-sub, anti-surface, and anti-air abilities. In addition, the ability to carry out multiple special ops landings anywhere in the world would be a significant advantage.

Another minor modification to the boat carrier would be internal cranes and pallets for storing modules and consumables.

Command and control would be handled primarily, by the ship or shore station from which the APBS launched, however, local, low-power, high band-width networks would allow boats to use unified sensor data, much like IVIS does for land vehicles. This will allow one vessel to be the search vessel, while the others act as remote fire locations. Also, using multiple sensor data from widely separated boats will allow for faster and more accurate locating of submerged vessels. It will also allow for better coordination of Special Forces landings, pickups, and diversions.

Many of the systems used in this proposal are off the shelf systems. The dipping sonar can come from any helicopter system. The AA missiles come from the Army Avenger system (This has the additional benefit of being a system that special forces are already familiar with.) The naval M242 is already in use.

Obamas Dog Choice

Instead of paying $1200 for a White House pooch (Labradoodle… sigh). Why not show the world how you’re into change and go get a former greyhound racing dog.

These dogs have lived a hard life and would like nothing more than a good home. They have VERY short hair and do not shed at all. Just perfect for your daughter.

Show the world that you’re above the pettiness that infects our country and help another living thing instead of encouraging the marketing of ridiculousness.

…………

Sorry, I laugh every time I hear ‘labradoodle’. It’s almost as funny as ‘chiwennie’.

P.S. Spell checker really hates those two words. LOL